Understand and Resolve Conflict!

In all interpersonal relationships, conflict is seemingly inevitable. Naturally, we have different beliefs, experiences, and attributes. Too often, both parties do not consider the other side's perspective. By not stepping into the other person’s shoes, blame can be assigned, and too often the wrong conflict handling style is used.

It’s a tragedy to let a beautiful relationship end due to conflict. Sometimes it begins with something petty- which then results in a destructively downward spiral- till seemingly the point of no return. Perhaps the most tragic part is that both parties may have wanted to resolve the conflict. In this situation, we often didn’t know what approach to take without appearing weak.

The key is communication- if the needs and wants of either party are left undiscussed and misunderstood, the relationship is bound to turn negative or unhealthy. More often than not, there are feelings of anxiety, anger, sorrow, guilt, frustration, helplessness, and blame. These are negative emotions- the emotions that give "conflict" a negative connotation. These emotions may cause us to hold grudges, which then causes us to think back to problems laterally- leading to more arguments.

Conflict in itself neither good nor bad, positive or negative; it is how we resolve conflict that makes conflict either constructive or destructive. This means that conflict can either bring people closer or tear them apart. 

Effective conflict handling style also involves emotional intelligence- which reflects strongly on career, health, and all inter-personal relationships. We all desire a healthy relationship with trust, respect, understanding, and joy: certainly, effective communication is a key factor.

If there’s a problem, talk about it, and if the other party talks, listen (really listen). It’s important to not worry about being right or wrong, but rather, worry about whether or not the two parties could come to a win-win situation.

Conflict handling styles: University of Wisconsin

Via LiveStrong: http://www.livestrong.com/article/157478-what-is-the-meaning-of-interpersonal-conflict/ :

Negative Behaviors:

“Conflict is best understood by examining the behaviour styles people use to meet their needs. Competing is a style in which you try to gain control over a situation by relying on aggressive communication and coercive power, with little regard for building relationships. Accommodating is a style in which you yield to the other person’s needs in an attempt to be diplomatic and preserve the relationship. Avoiding is a style that is common when you have negative view of conflict. You may think that the issue will blow over if it is avoided long enough. The conflict, however, continues to grow until it ruins the relationship.”

Positive Behaviors:

“Compromising is a style in which you gain and give in a series of trade-offs to reach a satisfactory compromise. This style has limitations, however, because everyone involved is still limited to their own perceptions, and this fails to build trust or risk-taking actions. Collaborating is a style in which you bring together individual needs towards a common goal. To produce a win-win situation, collaborating requires communication from everyone. It builds synergy in unrecognized possibilities and true resolution to the conflict.”

The next time you get into a conflict, stay calm; do your best to stay logical and rational; be in control of your emotions and don’t let your emotions overpower your intelligence. Be sure to avoid accusations, broken communication, and false assumptions. By doing this, you will instead allow for a satisfying relationship in collaboration and respect.

Application:

We aren’t always going to have the opportunity to talk it out or see the other party in person. In this case, writing a letter may be wise to help the both parties understand each other. This is a 6 part letter:

1. Write in consideration of their perspective, write out where you think they may be coming from- be sure to refrain from accusations or insults. 

2. Write about your perspective- stay rational and logical, refrain from being offensive, but state your feelings. 

3. Write in their perspective again, really put yourself in their shoes (but also let them know that you cannot read minds). 

It’s important to begin by addressing their perspective and end by addressing their perspective. Parts one and three combined should be around the same length of part two. This way, they know that you value their feelings and thoughts, showing respect, equality, and effort. By beginning in their shoes and ending in their shoes, it will be easier for them to see the effort you have put in. 

4. Explain why you are writing the letter (for establishing effective communication, resolving current conflict, because you care, etc). 

5. Indicate the conflict handling styles- positive behaviour and negative behaviour- not to point fingers, but rather, to come to a mutual understanding. 

6. Elaborate on how you would like to resolve the conflict and your hopes for the future.

Approach the conflict calmly and wisely, and things are likely be fine. But if the other party cannot come to a mutual understanding, know that not everything is in your control and that you have done your best.

Stay positive =].

Here’s a more complete description of conflict handling styles by University of Wisconsin: https://www.ohrd.wisc.edu/home/HideATab/LeadershipManagementDevelopment/ConflictResolution/AboutConflict/ConflictStyles/tabid/228/Default.aspx