Self-Esteem #2

My first post was a selective cut-and-paste of what Dr. Branden said at the first international conference of self-esteem. I know not all of you will take the time to read a 10 page summary- shame on you (just kidding- but I still urge everyone to read it). If you haven't read it, then this 2 page blog post can be found insightful.

In short, Dr. Branden wanted us to realize the importance of Self-Esteem. He doesn't suggest that it's the solution to those who pursue happiness, but rather, he suggests that a healthy self-esteem is a necessary condition to our well-being. Simply put- we cannot achieve fulfillment without it.

Those who are high in self-esteem are strong in the wake of difficulties and set backs, they are also determined and ambitious towards a goal they have set. This really refers back to anything, emotional goals, creative goals, and spiritual goals. Those with low self-esteem stick with the relatively safe, the known, and the undemanding. It's a self-reinforcing, repetitive cycle, and if we have a high self esteem, we get right back up when we take a fall (failures, mistakes, regret- relate back to the post Our Past.)

Now here's one of my favorite parts: Dr. Branden stated that if we have a low-self esteem, we will tend to attract those who are low in self-esteem as well. This can be really disastrous- two people who think poorly of themselves on the inside, coming together to form an even more toxic relationship.

Why would it be toxic?

Because those who are low in self-esteem will tend to treat others without respect, benevolence, good will, and fairness. By the same token, those who are high in self-esteem will treat each others with virtues aforementioned, and this will lead to nourishing relationships.

Too much self-esteem?

It's perhaps easy to confuse "overconfidence" with high self-esteem. Dr. Branden suggests that its not the same thing, that high self-esteem is often confused with arrogance.

Here's something that I've always thought about but Dr. Branden solidified it: Bragging, putting down of others, and arrogance reflects not a high sense of self-esteem, but a lack of it. These traits are driven by their desire to make themselves appear superior to others, to be validated themselves in a comparative standard.

People with high-esteem... well.. simply don't seek this approval because their happiness comes not by comparing themselves with others, but in being content with who they are (see the consistency with my first post about Happiness and the Hedonic Treadmill?). Dr. Braden says that we all "know" this implicitly, but how little it is discussed astonishes him - (it astonishes me too!).

People who hate themselves tend to hate others. People who respect themselves tend to respect others. People who love themselves will tend to love others.

Our self-esteem is not motivated by the assurance of others- (evidently, self-esteem). This is why our celebrities, or people who enjoy public standards of success, can often feel deeply dissatisfied, anxious, or depressed. They might radiate with esteem on the outside, but inside, such a light is little in existence.

People with low self-esteem have varying degrees of anxiety, insecurity, and self doubt. This is a painful feeling, as one might think that something is wrong with them, leading to avoidance of fear confrontation. Low self-esteem also leads to the rationalizing of our actions and emotions, radiating an inauthentic self-esteem we don't have. This is a disingenuous illusion of self-efficacy and self-respect, a non-rational, self-protective way our mind tries to minimize anxiety and increase security.

This inauthentic self-esteem, tend to be gained through the seeking of popularity, prestige, material acquisitions, or sexual exploits. This does not create self-esteem, neither do "knowledge", skills, marriage, parenthood, philanthropic endeavors, or face lifts. 

Authentic self-esteem ought to be gained through consciousness, responsibility, and integrity.

It ought to be gained through the power of competence, not the "power" to control and manipulate others. It ought to be gained through honesty and self-respect, and not by validation you receive through "philanthropy." Such behaviours are self-deceptive, endless, and we can lose ourselves along the way of this ill-conceived journey.

The whole world can assure you, yet if you do not love yourself, regardless of whatever admiration, you can still feel worthless and inadequate. You can be adored by millions and you could still feel fake and empty, win "great" honors and yet still feel no accomplishment.

While it can be wise to surround yourself with those relationships that are nourishing rather than toxic, to look for others in the source of self-esteem is dangerous for 2 reasons 1.it doesn't work; 2. we risk being approval, validation seeking addicts - this is deadly both mentally and emotionally. 

Dr. Branden doesn't suggest that psychologically healthy people stay unaffected by feedback, other people certainly contribute to our perception as we are social beings, but rather, he suggests that liberation to unhappy approval seekers is to raise the level of consciousness one brings to their own experiences. This means honoring our self, learning to listen to our body, learning to listen to our emotions, and learning to think for our self. Our self-esteem contain virtues that resembles a code of ethics.

Application? The next time someone tries to bring negativity into your life, or tries to comparatively make you look "lower," just remember, they may be much more insecure and lacking in self-esteem. Allow yourself not to be influenced by these people, and remember that the only opinion that matters is your own. Stay positive, only you can decide what matters to you and what doesn't.

I want to continue, but I have to remember that this is only a blog and people generally don't take the time to read long posts. But as with all posts I will make, I will tend to refer back to concepts posted previously, providing as much consistency as possible. =) Good luck!